 Hot
Summer News
By Tom Allan
It’s been a hot summer in much of our world, and
hot weather often breeds weird beverage news. This season has been
no exception. Aside from the obligatory
drunken elephants
going on murderous rampages in India, we have also seen the
following stories cross our news desk. They are in no particular
order with the exception of the last story, which I have been
following for almost two years.
ONLY IN FRANCE: A group of French
 winegrowers
have taken a break from blaming America for their ills and have
instead redirected their ire at domestic weather forecasters. They
are preparing to
sue the French weather forecasting service for
failing to predict a freak hailstorm that wiped out much of their
crop. In unrelated news the French government has banned the term
“e-mail”. In somewhat related news, France is pushing the WTO to ban
the use of the words Chablis, Champagne, Brie, and Burgundy (among
others) outside of the regions of the same name. Next on their list
of banned words: shower, job, razor...
I CRIED WHEN I READ THIS: On August 4th, a bolt of
lightning hit a Jim Beam warehouse and zapped 19,000 barrels of
aging bourbon. Take a moment if you need to. The good news: The
other 950,000 barrels are OK. The Center for Science in the Public
Interest is expected to release a detailed study on the “Impact of
Secondhand Bourbon Smoke on Teenagers” next week. Preliminary
documents indicate the CSPI believes Jim Beam conspired with God to
burn the bourbon in an effort to get kids hooked on the smell of the
devil water.
IS THAT A TUBE OF VODKA IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY
TO SEE ME: Government agents on the Russia-Latvia border
have discovered a 3,000 foot tube containing 200 liters of vodka.
The tube straddled the border and was used to smuggle alcohol.
Didn’t I see something like this on an old Hogan’s Heroes episode?
ANOTHER GOVERNMENT WITH A SOLID GRIP ON PRIORITIES:
The Thai government has recently announced plans to ban the
advertising of energy drinks and alcohol between the hours of 5 am
and 10 pm. The vacated advertising time is expected to be filled by
ads from the Thai Department of Sexual Tourism.
SO, THAT’S WHO WAS DRIVING THE GETAWAY CAR: Remember
the Texas Democratic legislators who bolted town to avoid a
redistricting vote? Apparently they didn’t drive themselves to New
Mexico, Budweiser distributor Greg LaMantia donated his plane to fly
them out of town. Look for legislation tripling the excise tax on
 Coors
Light in the first 2004 Texas legislative session.
FORGET CORKS AND SCREWTOPS, I’LL TAKE A POP-TOP:
Franklin Estates winery in Australia is releasing chardonnay and
cabernet sauvignon in 250ml cans. The cans’ interiors are sprayed
with a sealer to prevent any impact on the flavor of the wine from
the aluminum. Each can is also topped with nitrogen after filling. I
don’t have a smart-ass comment about this one, I’m just looking
forward to popping a can open on the golf course or on the water.
TAKING SMOKELESS TOBACCO TO THE NEXT LEVEL: In
response to a series of bans on smoking in restaurants and bars,
proprietors are getting creative in attracting nicotine fans. In New
York, The World Bar is serving a “Smokeless Manhattan” that
reportedly tastes like a Marlboro cigarette. Bartenders are mixing
Laphroaig single malt whisky with port and orange bitters. Rumor has
it that less reputable joints in the neighborhood are creating a
discounted imitation using coffee grounds and Orange Mad Dog 20/20.
CAPITALISM WITH TRAINING WHEELS IN RUSSIA: The
two-year dispute over ownership of Stolichnaya export rights may be
closer to settlement. This is a story destined for a movie theater
near you at some point in the future. It involves a battle between a
state-run Russian company (Soyuzplodoimport) and SPI Group, a
Dutch-based private company. Here is an abbreviated timeline of the
dispute:
- In 1992, the Russian government spins off their state
distillation company, So
 yuzplodoimport,
as a joint-stock company.
- After five years of dabbling in the free market,
Soyuzplodoimport sells the rights to Stolichnaya and 42 other
brands to SPI Group for a stunning $300,000 in 1997. SPI head Yuri
Shefler cuts the check and heads to the Red Square 7-11 to buy a
lottery ticket.
- October 2001: A bright Russian government official, apparently
with dual degrees in Business and Bureaucrapitalism, figures out
that Russia made a bad deal. The Russian government finds a judge
to declare the original spin-off illegal, thus nullifying all
future agreements made by the now non-existent private company.
- January 2002: Russia’s Prosecutor General launches a
nationwide search for Yuri Shefler. Shefler is accused of
threatening the life of a top government official. He reportedly
escapes to Switzerland.
- March 2002: After government officials begin seizing Stoli
goods destined for export, SPI Group begins bottling Stolichnaya
in Latvia (with vodka shipped from Russia).
- May 2002: SPI Group representatives host a vodka party on
Capitol Hill in Washington to draw attention to their battle with
the Russian government.
- July 2003: State-run Soyuzplodoimport declares that the World
International Property Organization (WIPO) has recognized it as
the lawful owner of the international registration for
Stolichnaya. No independent confirmation of this claim is
reported.
The bottom line here is that the Russian government has
apparently become a bit nostalgic for the old ways of the Soviet
ministries. New motto for the Ministry of Trade: “Free market
entrepreneurialism and foreign investment is encouraged, except when
it’s not, neener-neener.”
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